When you’ve made it as far as I have on looks alone, it’s only a matter of time before MTV comes knocking. Not that I’d want them to. It’s just something I have to be ready for.

A series of confident pounds on the oak door of the beach house. I answer in Elizabeth’s cut-off shorts with a cup of coffee in one hand and a penny cigar in the other.
"Hello, sir, we’re from MTV and..." "Music Television, eh? Be gone."
"But..." The door slams, I pop the morning’s fifth boner.

Charm has a lot to do with it, too. It’s important to be considered a "social darling" if you’d like to succeed without ever working. For example, when Mrs. Ponce comes over to talk to you at the Women’s Club Board Social, it’s very important that you mention the success of her paintings before husband’s Phil’s recent promotion at the television station.

Yacht Clubs are good places to be seen at. Exclusive hotels, select golf courses (or golf course lounges) and executive airport lounges as well. Don’t spend too much time in these places, by no means become a regular or be known by name. 128 is a universally good membership number should you be asked.

Private life, however, is the absolute most important ingredient. You must have a well-established and notoriously wonderful private life. If you do not, you are totally screwed, dude. The trick to this, of course, is to actually have a great private life. If you cannot create one, you can try to fake one. You will, however, be discovered over time.

Mystery is important, though it’s built into having a great private life and hardly worth mentioning. Fake names are good, as are fake relations and contacts. Never disclose the origin of expensive items.

Being one with animals and nature, well, that’s not important for what you’re doing, but it’s does great things for the spirit. Go on, give it a try.

Be a good citizen, don’t litter. Set an example for others. Spit only if you really have to, and then spit extremely well. Manners are the cornerstone of civilization as breaking rules is to style.

Innocence is created by those who’ve lost the real thing. Those with the real thing aren’t so worried about it.

Relaying information in the Hallmark fashion (pithy, quipy, inspirational) should be used with extreme caution. Satire, especially self, is good to follow.

You know what the Hallmark fashion should be? It should be a dude strutting with impeccable form. The hallmark, the mark of the hall, the guy who walks down the hall that everybody looks at and says, "Yep, there’s the Hallmark, alright." If my name were Clay Hallmark, I’d be pissed at how my last name was taken to mean.

It’s good to invite people to "come fly with [you]," especially when you don’t have any drugs on you (though it’s okay if you do).

If you do these things, I promise you’ll get a beach house, a beautiful girlfriend and offers from MTV you’re too wise to accept. Am I promising the world a lot? You’d better believe it, baby.