Ask Darren The Janitor


Dear Darren The Janitor,
Could you help me with my psychology paper?
–Lazy L

Dear Lazy L,
Well I know the editors aren’t going to like this one but here you go. All you need to know about psychology is the id, the ego and the super ego. The id is the part of you that makes you want to jam your thumb up your butt while masturbating. The ego is the part that tells you not to, and the super ego is the part that makes you feel guilty after you do it anyway. Glad to be of help.

Dear Darren The Janitor,
I desperately need a liver transplant. What kind of red tape should I be prepared for while waiting for a donor?
–Killing Time

Dear KT,
I hope you like bagpipes playing Amazing Grace. This kind of thing takes some foresight. I signed up back when I was 19 because I know damn well unless the name of that band was Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Darren I would have to wait 13 1/2 years for one. Say hi to Carroll O'Connor for me would ya?

Dear Darren The Janitor,
So how'd ya do?
–Friendly Guy

Dear Miserable Bastard,
So how'd I do!? How'd I do you ask! In what? Life? Look at me, I'm thirty one years old, a janitor with a minor booze problem and I weigh 138 pounds soaking wet holding a brick. I can't wear shorts because my legs are so skinny they look like two plungers standing in buckets. I can't even get a girl to date me bacause my idea of a date is to go to O.T.B. and do cocaine on the back of the toilets there. So how'd I do? Go to hell!

Dear Darren The Janitor,
Your column is disgusting, in fact the whole website is disgusting. All you guys talk about is sex, booze, and debauchery.

–Pissed Off (And Not Afraid To Tell You)

Dear PO(ANATTY),
Thank you Stephen freakin' Hawking. Oh my God people are talking about sex and debauchery on the INTERNET! The name of the website is The New York Hangover. What the hell were you expecting? A review of the mass at St. Bridget's? Why don't you and your sissy mary khaki wearing friend go back to your place and practice kissing.