June Newsletter
By Clay Allen

John Lennon, the wise and often outspoken Beetle, once said, "There ain’t no cure for the summertime blues." I’m here to prove him wrong. Mr Lennon, as we all know, is getting on in years and I think it’s time for one Mr. Goodtimes Clay Allen® to show the curmudgeonly John Lennon the summer of a lifetime! Here’s a basic outline of what I plan to do with John Lennon during our "Summer of Fun: 2001!!!®"

First off, I just found this really great show on TV. It’s called the Jenny Jones show. Have you seen it? It’s awesome. It’s a talk show that usually focuses around troubled youths who are too young to get the attention they need by appearing in porno movies. Like I said, it’s totally awesome. So we’ll spend a couple days watching the tapes I made of the show. I have three tapes.

I also want John Lennon to experience what it’s like to use a fax machine. Being someone from the past (no offense, but really, let’s face it!), I think John will get a real kick out of using a fax machine. Did you know that when you use a fax machine, you’re not really breaking the piece of paper down into millions of particles and sending it whooshing through a phone line? I forget what really happens, but I know it’s not that because I asked the guy at Kinko’s. I think that’s where John and I will do our faxing.

John MUST ride the new ride at Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, Il. That’s the Six Flags that had a roller coaster get stuck upside-down on a loop a few years ago. Don’t worry, I’ll definitely take him on that one, but I don’t think I can convince the guy to make it stick like that again. Sure, I’ll try, but I don’t think he’s going to do it.

Do you think John Lennon would want to go to the beach? Yeah, probably not. He seems like the kind of guy who wouldn’t want to get all sandy and hot. I bet he doesn’t like crowds, either, and the beach here is totally crowded. There’s always some guy asking you for cigarettes or kicking sand on you. John would probably totally hate that.

I hear John Lennon is somewhat politically active. I’ve got a good idea for something to do that will make him feel good in these regards. On an "Ozone Action Day," John and I will take action! As we know, ozone action days are days where ozone levels are too high and good citizens are asked to restrict gasoline fueling (an ozone producing activity) to early morning or late evening. So John and I will go to a gas station and ask all the patrons to not refuel until later in the day. It will be hot and probably very boring, so I’ll bring a lot a bottle or two of Scotch. That way, we can all have a good time.

John, you’ve got to get in touch with me soon so we can start having the summer of your life. I won’t let you down, I promise! Please write to clay@nyhangover.com or look me up in the Chicago white pages. I’m right above this guy Clyde Allen, who’s a total jerk and would show you the worst summer ever. Call me instead!