Triple Feature
(When Two Won’t Do)
By Richy Vesecky

I had originally intended to name this column That’s Entertainment, in a playful yet sarcastic reference to MGM’s compilation of classic Hollywood musicals. However, it was lovingly pointed out to me that it didn’t make any sense and most readers probably wouldn’t understand it. So with that in mind I’ll just say that these are three extremely entertaining movies, and what they have most in common is their complete willingness to give the audience what it wants:

1) The Brain That Wouldn’t Die (1959) — This is an all-time classic! Bill is a respected brain surgeon who is a little too much of a maverick for his fellow doctors, kind of like the Dirty Harry of the operating room. While driving to his country house with his lovely fiancée Susan, his car overturns and crashes off the side of the road. Bill survives the accident okay but unfortunately Susan is somewhat decapitated. Wasting no time, Bill scoops up Susan’s head and makes a Superbowl-worthy run back to the house where luckily, he has a laboratory set up in the basement for just such an occasion. With the help of his gimpy-armed assistant, Bill manages to bring Susan’s head back to life, although she seems a little less than enthusiastic about the whole process. Undaunted, Bill sets out to find the perfect body to on which to attach Susan’s head. His first stop is a sleazy strip club, and then with an amazing stroke of luck he runs into two old girlfriends who just happen to be on their way to a "Miss Body Beautiful Contest" and guess what? That’s right, they need one more judge. Meanwhile back in the lab, the disgruntled head has begun telepathically communicating with a giant deformed thing that Bill has locked in a closet. Anyway, at this point the movie is only half over and we still haven’t gotten to the arm being ripped out of its socket or the monster taking a huge bite out of someone’s neck and spitting it back in their face, not to mention one of the greatest endings in film history. I can’t believe that this masterpiece was once ridiculed on Mystery Science Theater 2000, a lame television show clearly aimed at 12-year-old boys with attention deficit disorder. Everyone else should go buy the uncensored uncut DVD of The Brain That Wouldn’t Die and put it alongside Citizen Kane and 2001 in their collection.

2) Beyond The Valley of the Dolls (1970) — It’s a real shame that a third-rate sketch comic like Mike Myers has stolen so much from this film, because now first time viewers will immediately be reminded of those pathetic Austin Powers movies. This legendary cult hit is actually Russ Meyer’s first and almost last film for a major studio. After his ill-conceived follow up The Seven Minutes, Meyer went back to being the king of the independents. BVD as it is affectionately referred to, is Meyer’s ode to the unbridled lunacy of the late 1960s. Everything is thrown into the mix– the sexual revolution, the drug culture, psychedelic freak outs, soap opera melodramatics, and the whole thing centers around an all girl rock group called The Carrie Nations. There are in-jokes and references to everything from Rowan & Martin’s Laugh In to the Tate/La Bianca murders.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a Russ Meyer movie without lots of giant breasts & plenty of sexual innuendo, and just to make sure things don’t get boring there are super heroes, Nazis, lesbian seductions and Edy Williams as a cold-hearted nymphomaniac. BVD is also notable for the incredible dialogue supplied by none other than rotund film critic Roger Ebert –-"This is my happening and it freaks me out" has actually become one of Austin Powers’ catch phrases.
I’m surprised Mike Myers hasn’t changed his first name to Russ.

3) Naked Killer (1995) — For those of you unfamiliar with the chaotic rush of recent Hong Kong exploitation cinema, Naked Killer is an excellent place to start. This film, like many out of HK, is fast paced, ultra violent, incredibly sexy and directed with more style than even Quentin Tarantino can copy. The basic plot is almost as much fun as The Brain That Wouldn’t Die. A beautiful young girl who has occasional bursts of violent rage goes into an office building to take revenge on the corporate gangsters who are responsible for her father’s death. During the course of this particular endeavor she single-handedly slaughters about 80 heavily-armed henchmen. While making her escape, she is spotted by an older woman who happens to run a female assassin agency. The older woman likes her style and helps her to defeat the last remaining gangsters, and then recruits her into her fold. The agency consists of mostly beautiful young lesbian hit women, each one sexier than the next. The action sequences are unlike anything you’ll see in Hollywood movies; just one of the little cuties in Naked Killer could disembowel Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis & Van Damme in about 15 seconds. Even the sex scenes are hotter than most porno movies I’ve yawned through. As a final selling point, let me say that Naked Killer is so sexy & visually stunning that you could watch it without the subtitles and the effect would still be the same.

So there you have it — severed heads with bad attitudes, giant mutants with a taste for sexy babes, acid tripping orgies and beautiful Asian hitwomen. Now That’s Entertainment!