American Girl

God, this is disturbing on so many levels. We are having a real Chuckie moment here...The American Girl store, for those of you who are uninitiated in the world of dolls, sells these cute little kewpies, each with her own important place in the mists of time. There's 19th century Kirsten on the left-- we imagine she's some sort of Dutch Miss whose father was a tulip bulb merchant in Apeldoorn, and that she has 75 pairs of wooden clogs. How charming. Or, if you happen to dislike the Dutch, you can choose from a whole slew of characters-- to name just a few, there's Addy the brave civil war era slave girl, Samantha the rich Edwardian brat, or Colonial-era Felicity in her crappy homespun frock. What's even scarier is that if none of these suffice, you can get one of these dolls customized-- pick out the appropriate hair, eye and skin color from a chart and they'll assemble the creepy little bastard and send it to you in a box.

How would you like a doll that looked just like you? How about matching outfits for you and your little "Mini Me"? Sounds like a recipe for a good ass-kicking on the playground, doesn't it? Well, American Girl is prepared to deliver you with all the ingredients needed for your beat-down via its catalogue and website. We know that young, young children like dolls, but crimminy, this kid in the sailor outfit is just a bit too old to be playing with her pint-sized doppelganger, no? If it starts talking to her, everybody run...