A Virtual House
By C. M. Dougherty

Even as boundless enthusiasm for the Internet continues, there appears to be a few dark clouds forming across the virtual landscape. Net Response, a Silicon Valley Internet think tank and self-proclaimed "Net Nostradamus" says the Internet is falling apart at the seams while reeking havoc on the lives of countless people around the world.

In a report coming out next month called "A Virtual House of Cards" Net Response claims "that despite advances of communications and commerce, the Internet has more cracks than a nudist colony." The cornerstone of their report centers around a "day in the life of the Net," highlighting errant Internet transactions, strange electronic phenomena and communication nightmares which have resulted in lawsuits, ruined lives and even death.

Here are a handful of net mishaps and maladies that occurred during a few hours of June 22, 1999:

06:52:09 Montreal, Canada. Guy Le Trouve orders two pair of CCM ice hockey skates for his nephews. Three days later he receives 18 pounds of nutmeg.

07:48:56 Kyoto, Japan. Maki Kybato, first time Net day trader, loses entire personal fortune in thirty seconds; kills hamster and sticks hand on hotplate.

08:40:45 Sydney, Australia. Something goes terribly wrong in an on-line course offered by San Francisco State University called "Do It Yourself Pet Surgery!" A website misprint causes Al Bogsworth to remove Fluffy’s pancreas instead of gall bladder. The kitty lived, but suffers from a facial tick and loose stool. Bogsworth sues the University and Internet for undisclosed sum.

09:31:09 New York, NY. CEO of IPO takes his own life after he watches company stock biteme.com go off at $8 a share and zooms to $247. By 9:33 it’s down at 32 cents. He breaks the record for fastest person to go from rags to riches and back to rags. Warner Bros. has bought the rights.

09:50:58 San Antonio, Texas. Melvin Gravewater orders six virtual Chia Pets for his grandchildren. Four of six (including the turtle) failed to grow hair. Traumatized Little Joey Gravewater proceeded to light his father’s pickup truck on fire and has not spoken since.

09:51:27 Los Angeles, CA. Live on-line aerobics class given by renown fitness guru C.C. Walker gives wealthy dowager Ethel Hardaway cardiac arrest. With no one around to call 911 or administer life saving CPR, she expires on her living room floor listening to the sounds of Donna Summer’s "Hot Stuff."

10:17:02 New York, NY. After receiving the first-ever recorded "Dear John" e-mail, investment banker Stuart Barnswallow goes berserk at his trading desk. His fit of rage occurs in the middle of a large deal with Banque Nationale de Paris and results in millions of losses for the firm. He was fired eight minutes later. Witnesses said he left the office tower and stepped onto the sidewalk, held a moistened finger aloft as if to test wind speed and direction, then stepped in front of a speeding bus, the M15 Limited.

11:32:09 Worldwide. A nasty virus known as "Love" is sent around the world via e-mail. Upon opening the document a caricature of Ross Perot’s head pops up and whines "You got that?" over and over to infinity. Nothing can be done to end this diabolical repeating loop, including cutting the power supply. Days later as the hard drive crashes, all data is replaced with the text of Kenny Logins’ greatest hits.

13:09:37 Hampshire, England. Quigley Dourbottoms spends 600 Pound Sterling on a virtual personality. Gets too much too quick and becomes lounge singing swinger. Leaves wife for "Page Six" girl.

17:31:14 New York, NY. Internet IPO Trench CoatMafia.com opens on the New York Stock Exchange at $14 a share. It immediately goes through the roof and ends the day at $112. Underwriter Goldman Sachs and Trench Coat CEO celebrate closing bell with a bottle of Crystal. Over-pressurized bottle blows cork prematurely and takes out CEO’s eyeball. Goldman and Trench Coat sue vintner for $6.5 billion.

16:43:47 Seattle, WA. Pranksters at Microsoft send interoffice e-mail with attached video of a half-dog, half-Bill Gates peeing on a fire hydrant. The next day company announces 657,000 layoffs and cancellation of dental plan. Two programmers still missing.

17:48:14 Wiesbaden, Germany. A "Dear Fritz" e-mail turns into a hostage situation when heartbroken Fritz Haddesburg threatens to blow his strudel factory "to little bits of crusty flake" with the bakers locked inside. He demands a private jet to be piloted over the Arctic Circle where he will jump to his death between ice floes. German police decide the request is fair, but refuse the private jet and book him coach on a British Airways flight out of Dussledorf.

19:25:23 Newark, NJ. The Bonanno Family makes first attempt at a virtual hit on Pete "Two Bags" Martini. Two Bags survives, goes into a witness protection program and begins writing a tell-all book that is expected to inflict great pain upon thousands of unsuspecting readers.