Ask Darren The Janitor

Dear Darren The Janitor,
Why do you drink so much?
– Curious

Dear Curious
I think deep down in my subconscious I'm afraid I'll miss a beer.

Dear Darren The Janitor,
You should go on the wagon, you drunken fool.
– A. A.

Dear A.A.,
O.K. here we go with the insults again. First of all that's not a question. Second, I'm supposed to be giving you advice. That's the whole idea of an advice column. Although sometimes I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, and I might offend some people, that's besides the point. Finally, why the hell would I want to do something stupid like that? You ever see people on the wagon? They look sooo happy, they make such great company, and what a wonderful outlook on life they have too. Yeah I want to be like those guys. I'd like to leave you with the words (or close to them) of the immortal Brendan Behan. "The worst part about not drinking is when you wake up in the morning, that's as good as you are going to feel all day."

Dear Darren The Janitor,
I have been having problems achieving orgasm. I asked my mother about it but she told me they don't really exist and they were only invented by womens' magazines. Since she was no help at all I was hoping you would have a solution?
–Frigid

Dear Frigid,
Well as the old adage goes "If you want something done right have Darren do it" heh, heh, heh. What baffles me is that you asked your mother about it. This is a perfect example of how different men and women are. I could just imagine that phone conversation. "Hey pop, it's Darren. Yeah listen, um, I've been having this problem...". Then he would hold the phone away from his head and yell to my mother "He's YOUR kid Barb, he's YOUR kid". Yeah wouldn't that be great. I don't know maybe I can't help you.