May Newsletter
My First Press Conference as Mr Invisible: A Transcript
By Clay Allen

MR INVISIBLE: Thank you all for coming. I'd like to take a minute to run down a bit of what's been going on since I've been invisible, and then I'll open it up to questions.

Roughly two weeks ago, I was approached by my associate Dr Luartez. This approaching took place in an undergound tunnel that connects our buildings. He approached me with an idea and a can of invisible paint. His idea was to catch me unawares and then throw the paint on me, which he did. Instantly, all the parts of my person touched by the invisible paint became transparent.

Because the paint was thrown, however, many spots were missed. In fact, most of my left side was visible, and it goes without saying that I looked rediculous. I took the can from Luartez and finished the job. When I had finished, he explained to me that he didn't know how long the effects would last.

I then asked him if he had tested the substance on anything besides me, to which he confessed that he turned my cat invisible a few weeks ago. When I asked him why he didn't wait for the cat to reappear before human trial, he said that he had assumed Sugarfoot was dead and that he was anxious to quote: "Get going with this things, already."

I have been invisible since. Questions?

REPORTER: What did the invisible paint look like and are there plans to make the product available to the government or the public?

MR INVIS: The paint was also invisible. I say paint because it was kept in an old paint can and had a similar viscosity. I can only speculate on what Luartez intends to do with the product as I haven't seen hide nor hair of him in several days. But judging from the availability of his other inventions, I'm quite sure he'll reserve the product for private use.

REPORTER: Will you take legal action against Dr Luartez?

MR INVIS: Of course I will. I'm working again with Yolanda, here, who you may remember from some of my previous grievances with Luartez, including the tornado experi...

REPORTER: What have you been doing since turning invisible? Have you committed any crimes?

MR INVIS: Yes, of course. I've trespassed all over the place. I've committed thievery. I've created reckless endangerment and violated public health laws. The list goes on and on and on.

REPORTER: Have you been in my house specifically?

MR INVIS: Who is that? I can't see with the lights...

WANG: Tony Wang with the Journal.

MR INVIS: Milwaukee? You're still with them, Tony?

WANG: Answer the question, please, sir.

MR INVIS: No. You're house wasn't the first place on my list to sneak into. No offense.

WANG: Where have you gone, then?

MR INVIS: I've been advised to brag about the trespassing crimes I've committed, as there is no evidence against me. So I'm delighted to tell you that I went to Los Angeles and visited the homes of several celebrities including Brad and Jenny Pit, whom I watched copulate on their living room couch.

REPORTER: How was the sex?

MR INVIS: It was good, not great. Kind of mechanical. I don't think she came.

REPORTER: What other celebrities have you watched have sex?

MR INVIS: Oh, shoot, let's see. Uh, Kim Basinger and some guy I didn't recognize, Tea Leone and David Duchovney (very hot), ummm Lara Flynn Boyle and Jack Nicholson.

MR INVIS: That's what I thought it'd be, too, but there really is something between those two people. Something very special...sacred.

REPORTER: Do you masturbate when you watch people have sex?

MR INVIS: Yes. Usually several times during the encounter.

REPORTER: Does you're...uh...ejaculate come out visible, or what happens with that?

MR INVIS: That's a great question. Who asked that?

WANG: It's Tony Wang, again.

MR INVIS: Tony, you've really done your homework. Let me tell you, I asked the very same question of myself under very pressing circumstances. There I was, watching Gwen Steffani, Pink and Gavin Whatshisface engaged in very tender, very erotic lovemaking when I realize, if I pop this stuff all over, not only could I jeopardize myself, but also poor, innocent Gwen. I mean, what would Gavin say if he saw cum on the floor where he KNOWS he didn't come? Naturally, he'd ask Gwen and who knows what she'd say. Besides, unexplained ejaculate might freak out Pink and ruin the couple's chances for a future three-wat. And what if ejaculation is what counteracts the invisible paint. It's just the thing Luartez would clause into his invention. It was indeed a conflicted moment.

MR INVIS: Well, as it turns out, the decision was made for me. For what Gavin lovingly flipped Gwen into the reverse cowgirl, or Ride 'Em Porn Star, position, her eyes seemed to go straight into mine. Pink slithered between the couples legs, using her mouth on Gwen's swollen clit, her hand on Gavin's balls. Gwen's eyes closed slowly, languidly. And then orgasm took her like slow motion lightning - only hotter. That was it for me. My proverbial gaskets were blown. And so help me God, I blew two quarts of the most invisible spoo you could hope to blow, and I blew it clear across the room.

WANG: How do you know you blew anything at all? Isn't it possible that being invisible has, how to say, dried you up?

MR INVIS: Dammit, Wang...I'm pretty sure...

MR INVIS: Thank you all for coming.

YOLANDA: Thank you. No more questions.