Ask Darren The Janitor

Dear Darren The Janitor,
I tried your tax tip from last month’s column but it didn't work, thanks for nothing.
–Miffed

Dear Miffed,
Way to go Stephen fucking Hawkins! You took tax tips from me? I pay so much goddamn money to the government I should be allowed to litter or something, you know with my own personal sanitation guy following me around. What I am really pushing for is a line item veto on everyone's W2 form. That way you could pick and choose where your tax dollars go. I don't want to pay for some freakin' bridge to be built out in America somewhere. I don't even want police protection. I'd rather pay that money to the mafia. Then I'll get real protection. I think I'll keep the sanitation guy though.

Dear Darren The Janitor,
What's it like to be half guinea and half mick?
–Wondering

Dear Wondering,
Oh how wonderful, another insult, that's pretty original, but I'll tell you what. It's great! I get the best of both worlds. I drink like they are going to stop manufacturing booze. I have bad teeth AND oily skin. I can grow a moustache in just under four hours. I turn a lovely shade of pink at the beach. And when I become a big fat old man I get to wear a white tank top with shorts and those goofy skips with black socks. Thanks for marrying a Sicilian mom!

Dear Darren The Janitor,
Are you really a janitor?
–Janine

Dear Janine,
Who the fuck would make that up? What do you think? I'm really an architect and I lied because janitor sounds cool?

Dear Darren The Janitor,
There is a long line of men in my family who went bald before they were 40. Do you think it'll happen to me?
–Scared

Dear Scared,
You know, you don't have to multiply ALL the numbers by zero to know the answer is going to be zero. You do a couple, and you see a pattern forming. How 'bout a nice hat.