April Newsletter
By Clay Allen

A Drummer’s Manifesto
YES. I can play drums, and will do so in your band at your request. There are several things you must first know. These things, I believe.

I’m not a drummer in the pure sense of the word. My time is not perfect, I have a limited knowledge of rudiments and I am not trained in jazz. But I am indeed a drummer in the broader sense. I received 5 years of lessons from Chuck Schwartz, a jobber of the first order. From Chuck Schwartz, I learned much.

I am an armature drummer. I don’t expect to get paid for rehearsals, jamming sessions, etc. However, I will not pay to play — not in rent, rental or otherwise.

I will provide my own alcohol, and will occasionally share. Most often, I will bring a cooler filled with ice, rum and mixers. I will only bring one cup.

I will always share pot; however, I’ll never pack more than one bowl per session.

I will wear loose-fitting clothing, including but not limited to Zubas, sweatpants, Jams, tank tops, slingshot tank tops. I may also surprise you by going the other way and wearing very tight clothing, such as spandex, Speedos or leotards.

I will wear excessive hearing protection. Don’t bother asking me how I think the song sounds. I can’t tell you. I can only tell you if I kept good time and the band stayed together, both of which probably didn’t happen.

You have a right to expect a professional drummer to keep perfect time. I am not a professional drummer, and the more you hassle me about speeding up/slowing down, the more it will occur.

Always remember, I’m doing you a favor by playing drums in your band. It’s not what I want to be doing.

I play drums because I learned how. As with all things I know how to do, I want to know how to do it better. I’m using you to practice and improve my skills just as you are using me to fill out/expand/explore your songs.

Playing drums is a mental and physical activity that’s full of contradiction. The drummer is required to lead the song from the background. The drummer must hold everyone’s part together while playing four different parts himself. The drummer must never think

about what he’s playing but always know where he’s going.

The drums are the only acoustic instrument in the modern rock band. Be aware! All you have to do to out play a drummer is turn a knob and strum. To make a sound on the drums requires energy transfer. It’s an activity that drains the life-force. This is another reason you are indebted to me.

You have the right to expect that a professional drummer will play on professional equipment. You should expect my kit to sound terrible, slide across the room and fall apart for no reason at all. Please feel free to buy any hardware or additional drums/cymbals you think I need. All that shit starts at about $125 a pop.

I won’t play three fast songs in a row. Two is my limit. If you are looking for a drummer who adds intensity and life to your four chord, power-pop, post-punk songs, your search continues.

If and when you find a drummer better and/or more committed to your project than I, don’t hesitate to let me know. My feelings will not be hurt. At the time of dismissal, we will arrange a time for me to reconnoiter any and all of my equipment. Should you unjustly hold my equipment for an unreasonable amount of time, I will hold you personally responsible and slander your name to everyone I know. Even if it’s not your fault that my equipment remains in your possession, I will hold you responsible for not making an effort to get it back to me. I will decry you as a horrible guitarist/bassist/singer/keys man, I will condemn you as a liar and a thief, I will warn other musicians to stay as far away from you as possible and I will always dissuade people from attending any performance you’re a part of. I will even go so far as to remove flyers for said performances.

As a drummer, I demand more justice than other members of the band. As a drummer, I will ensure this justice be done.