The United States Coast Guard reported an enormous, tidal-wave size sea-swell in Lake Michigan on Monday, it's coarse set for Chicago's northern beaches. Commercial and private vessels were halted around a 50-mile parameter.

It's the lake's third largest wave, or sea-swell, according to Dr. David Lidow, privately published author and Geology professor at the University of Chicago. "Citizens of Chicago:" Lidow said, "Beware!"

Roads were cleared and closed a half-mile inland. Residences in the area were instructed by Lidow to close their windows and doors and put lawn trinkets in their garages. Compliance was at a record 100 percent.

Were public beaches open, they would have been evacuated. In a simulated evacuation for a tornado, Chicago public school fifth grader Jason Arnold said, "It's very cold. I'm wondering what will happen next."

A mere six hours after the wave was detected, it crashed into 15 miles of Chicago coastline, marked by Winnketka's Tower Beach to the north and Montrose Harbor to the south. An estimated 2,740 dollars worth of damage has befell public property, including landscape, man-hours and utilitarian installations (i.e., trash cans).

Private property damage was estimated at $25 dollars, the price of a pair of hedge clippers allegedly owned by Stan Jimenez, of the 2300 block of Sheridan Road in Wilmette. Jimenez was said to have received the hedge clippers for Christmas 2001.

Chicago's other two tidal waves occurred in 1890 and 1949. Both struck Lake Michigan's southern most shores. South-siders are said to be rejoicing in their good luck today. "Now you guys know how [it] feels," said South Side resident Charlie Harlem. "Yeah, baby!" Harlem's maternal grandfather, Coonanny Peacheater, was said to have lost his car and "several personal relations" in the tidal wave of 1949.

Tidal waves in the Great Lakes are extremely rare and are believed to be caused by the turning over of sleeping giants who live beneath the lake-bottom. Lidow says these giants have been in beta sleep for over 1100 years. "At this level of sleep, adjustments in body position are very uncommon." Lidow's book is called The Science of Giants. "When they move into REM sleep, the level of sleep at which dreams occur, then we're going to have some real trouble." Lidow doesn't expect this to occur for several scores of years.