February Newsletter
By Clay Allen
Recipe for 51% Forgiveness
MAKE one medium sized mistake, preferably one with social consequences. Examples of such mistakes include a) Shitting on a friend in open forum for no good reason; b) Sending unsigned, disturbing picture postcards to an ex; c) denting a car nicer than yours while parallel parking or d) having sex with a friend’s sibling or co-worker.
LET the mistake fester in your guts until it turns black and hard (usually 3 — 5 days). You know the mistake has cured when it’s three in the morning and you’re lying wide awake in bed next to three dirty magazines and an empty pint of Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum.
NOTE: During the curing process, it is advised to consume only dairy and meat products. Fruits, vegetables, carbohydrates and starches should be avoided. Tea, black coffee and brown liquors are allowed.
ALLOW a cat (preferably not feral) to scratch deeply across your face. Consider the scratches in a lowly lit bathroom. Collect the blood on a tissue and set that aside.
PREHEAT the oven to 150 or Low.
MAKE several long distance calls to people who aren’t home. Leave down-to-business messages on their machines. Idea: "Hey, it’s (YOUR NAME), calling socially. Please call back at your convenience. Thank you. From, (YOUR NAME)."
PLACE the bloodstained tissues on a cookie sheet and put them in the oven until just before they catch on fire. They should vaguely resemble an aged treasure map, though no clues may be drawn from them. Remove and let cool between the pages of your mother’s Bible.
MOUNTAIN DIRECTIONS: Go to the base of the nearest, tallest mountain and lay against it. Think about plate tectonics, glacial migration and millions of years; weigh these against whatever you consider to be your greatest accomplishment. Write the ultimate equation down on a piece of paper and burn it.
COASTAL DIRECTIONS: Take a walk along the docks amidst the fog and gloom. Take a crust of bread to throw at the gulls. Do not break it up. Watch and learn from their struggle.
INLAND DIRECTIONS: Walk to a strip mall parking lot at dawn and wait for a small flock of geese to fly overhead. Record their honking sounds on a micro-cassette tape recorder. With a magic marker, blacken the cassette and seal it in an envelope reading "Do Not Open Until Xmas 2020, The Year Foresight May Finally Be Equal to Hind."
SLEEP for at least ten hours or until you have a vivid dream in which everybody dies but you.
RISE and greet the day. You are mostly forgiven.