hey darren its big cock night at the gay bar.i can get you in for half price.my question is do you prefer the RUFFRIDER condoms with no KY or do you prefer it RAWDOG with a tossed salad???????????while your listen to the dueling banjos.
signed the good neighgbor

Dear Good Neighbor,
Well I'm glad to see that my column is being read by the intelligentsia out there. and i think its reallycool how you dont use capital letters at the beginning of sentences. yeah man im gonna write like this too. who needs grammar? who needs rules? fuck that shit man. so i guess ill go for the RAWDOG with the tossed salad. dick
 

Dear Darren,
Recently you responded to a letter from I Just Wanna Go Boom Boom, who apparently wants to screw around more but is worried about her reputation. I would be happy to oblige her in the casual sex department if she is reasonably attractive, and I would not hold her character flaws against her. In fact, I consider sluttiness a virtue, and am quite accustomed to psychosis among chicks. Can you hook us up? Thanks. By the way, my water heater just went on the fritz, do you think you could fix it?
­Chris (a.k.a. the walnut)

Dear Walnut,
It is nice to hear from you(oops I forgot to write the cool way, start over). its nice to hear from you chris and i couldnt agree with you more. the world is definitely in need of more sluts, and alas i think we are all accustomed to the psychosis that comes along with a female. (Darren­ with regards to that last remark, please see me after class. Your Editor) sorry, but i have no idea where Boom-Boom is so i cannot comply with your request however, henry miller said to stick two pieces of liver in the radiator and jam your willie in it, and its the next best thing. why dont you give that a shot and call a plumber.
 

Dear Darren,
Who the hell do you think you are making fun of everybody like you are so fucking perfect? You're just an obnoxious, immature, jerk.
­Indignant

Dear Indignant,
Yes, I'm just too cheap to rent out a billboard that says I'm a dick.