Firsts
Since I first read The Old Man and the Sea I have long aspired to write the great American novel, but always felt insecure and lacking in a few of the necessary qualities such as talent, wit, incite/insight, self-confidence, decent grammar, a top-notch pen and a loved-one that constantly lies and says "No, really. It's good!"

After many years of such doubts and insecurities I have decided to cast aside my fears and throw myself headlong into my masterpiece. The only thing I need to now, begin my great American novel, is an ass-kicking first sentence.

Like first impressions, the first sentence in any novel is crucial. As I will illustrate, it is those first few words of brilliance that will grab the reader's attention, stimulate his or her brain and deliver them to that, almost as important, second sentence. If the second sentence is equally successful the third sentence will surely be enjoyed. And so on… It's that simple. Here I would like to analyze a few first sentences of some of the world's great authors:

Vladimir Nabokov began his most famous novel with: "Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins."

This first sentence really shook up the literary world because it is a well known tenet that any time you can use the word 'loin', 'loins' or 'shanks' to open a novel you are almost guaranteed to produce a masterpiece. In my opinion, however, 'fiery loins' are kind of cliché. I mean whose loins aren't fiery? Mine are.

Personally, I would try to use loins more effectively, with more punch and originality, if you will: "Much to his chagrin, Fred's loins were dewy, not because he hadn't showered in days, but because on Thursday he accidentally dropped a chunk of uncooked bacon down his pants."

You see this use of the word loins gives the greater sense of character and pulls the reader more strongly into the plot. The reader must immediately ask himself: Who is Fred? And what kind of bacon? If it was sizzle-lean or turkey bacon Fred may appear more health conscious and we might see him as an attorney or someone highly educated. And why no shower? Was he out of hot water or just plain lazy? The sharp reader may also notice the 'loins-bacon' allegory where I am trying to illuminate the character's inability to relate to women on any social level other than "What's happenin' ho' bag bitch?"

Vladimir shouldn't just throw around valuable words without putting more thought into them because as a general rule you shouldn't use fine words such as 'loins' more than once or twice per novel, unless of course you are writing about the beef, pork or porn industries.

The great Charles Dickens began A Tale of Two Cities with "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…"

This is a very thought provoking and, shall we say, encompassing first sentence, yet it seems he couldn't quite make up his mind. Which was it?

The best or the worst? I don't know of anything, anything at all, that is the best and the worst at the same time, including time.

For example: "Wow, Candy that was the best and worst blow job I ever had. It was a real knee-buckler, but on the other hand there was way too much tooth action which made it the worst and by the way can you drive me to the hospital?"

It can't happen! Chuck was obviously a little insecure about his writing ability and I even heard a rumor that he may have had two or more personalities.

Henry Miller, my favorite author, began Nexus with: "Woof! Woof! Woof!

Woof! Woof!"

The repetitive use of "Woof!" clearly illustrates this man's genius. He could have begun with "Bow-wow! Bow-wow!" or "Yipe! Yipe! Yipe!," or even "Ruf! Ruf!," but alas, no!

Woof is more symbolic of an independent, free-spirited, masculine dog such as a Labrador retriever. Whereas bow-wow would denote a less-than-able, insecure, flea-bitten, half-breed. Yipe! Yipe! would obviously signify an annoying feminine-type, lap dog such as a llhasa apso or poodle. And Ruf! Ruf!, the worst of all, would be typical of an all-dressed-up-and-no-where-to-go-back-yard-cat-fucker.

It had to be Woof. Replacing woof with any other canine onomatopoeia would have indelibly altered the book in a different direction and instead of exploring hedonistic themes and immorality Mr. Miller may have ended up with a trade manual on garden tools. Clearly one can see how important this numero uno sentence can be.

Admittedly, my collection of first sentences pales in comparison to some of the world's great authors, but I think you will agree that there just might be a tiny seed ready to germinate into a great American novel. I humbly give to you my favorites:

Apocalyptic: "Thanks for fucking me," she said clipping her toenails, as I slowly raised my tighty whities, looked for the nearest exit, window or door, and replied "There's a storm a comin'."

Hemingwayesque: "It was the perfect day, we found a real, live sea horse in the crab trap, my brother pushed another boy off the pier into the bay and my father beat the tar out of him right in the middle of the snapper derby."

Miraculous: "In an act of God my parents' AMC Gremlin burst into flame as we backed out of the driveway on the way to church, I cheered as if the Yankees won the pennant and my father gave me the back of his hand before I could even unhook my safety belt."

Bucolic: "My brother, dressed in a peach colored sun dress, sang Ebony and Ivory with my sister while I placed a lit firecracker in a frog's mouth and threw it at them with perfect precision and timing from across the yard."

Philosophical: "I can kick my dog, but you cannot kick my dog."

Fanciful: "It was a sultry Sunday afternoon, Lil' Joey Shambles was taking his first ever swig of beer at the old tree fort near the canals when he was shot, at close range, in the testicles by Greta Pillhauser with three BBs from her Crossman 760, I ran home into my mothers arms and wept like a toddler for it could have been me."

Intellectual: "Women have tits." (To date, this sentence most aptly describes modern society - see my fabulous essay: Yabos!)

Biblical: "When God goes out for dinner and a show he may have the steak au poivre on Omega-9, but he never misses the burlesque on the third planet from the Sun."

Parodical: "It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times, it really was a shitty time for everyone at the county fair who didn't win a gold fish or pin wheel."

Educational: "If you quote Joe Pesci in Goodfellas one more time I'll smash your face with this ashtray!"

Impudent/Cheeky & Kind of Stupid: "Since I first read The Old Man and the Sea I have long aspired to write the great American novel, but always felt insecure and lacking in a few of the necessary qualities such as talent, wit, incite, self-confidence, decent grammar, a top-notch pen and a loved-one that constantly lies and says "No, really. It's good!"