Hi everybody! Yes I'm back, sorry about the lack of advice in the past issue. I went out for a few sociables on the first Thursday in October and the next thing you know, whoops! It's January! Can't seem to recall much in between, and since I strictly adhere to the philosophy of my pal Danny Blaslov which is "I will have sex with any woman that will let me". Oh no wait, that's Louie’s philosophy. Danny's is "If I don't remember it, it never happened". Anyone who actually reads this column can identify with that. So what that means is you can take your "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year" and throw 'em right in the dumper. This year is going to suck just like the rest of them. Actually I shouldn't say that. It is off to a good start. What with Giuliani out and a bit of a recession, New York might actually be a fun place to live again! I remember the last recession and it was great. The music was better, people drank more, and you could run naked up and down Avenue A with a martini in one hand and your shvatz in the other without anyone thinking that was strange. And hopefully all those crack babies that were born in the mid 80's are old enough to start a little crimewave and scare away all these sissymarys that live here now. Then maybe our rents will go back to a reasonable amount. Naw, who am I kidding? That's just the Norman Vincent Peale in me talking. This year is gonna suck just like the rest of them. So on that note "up yours!" and here's your stinkin' advice.

Dear Cheap,
Bartenders and waitresses rely on tips as their main source of income. So how 'bout I stick 10% of my boot up your ass you cheap bastard. Is that acceptable? Tipping is not a city in fuck you.

Dear xx,
I've always thought the cocaine game was a lot of fun at parties. That's where you do lines the size of your pinky all night, and whose ever heart explodes first loses.

Dear Lusty,
No you're not and no you don't. But thanks for trying to boost my self-esteem, mom.

Dear YAH,
How the hell would I know? At the rate I'm going I'll be happy to make it to 40, and anything after 50 is just gravy. I figure if I make it that far I'm going to start shooting dope, and maybe go robbing banks, y'know, wild west style.

Dear Curious,
Tipping is not a city in fuck you. And you forgot handsome.

Dear NF,
Yeah, I got a tip. Change your resolution and I'll meet you in flavor country.·