Toys In The Attic

A week before Christmas, I did something you won’t see me do again, at least for another year. I went to Toys R Us with an envelope full of cash, bumping asses with insane strangers and swearing under my breath as my office-friend, Maria, and I bought gifts for our company’s Toys For Tots drive. We had collected enough cash from our fellow employees to make our getaway with three enormous bags stuffed with toys of all kinds. It was actually kind of a rush. My arms still for a few days from dragging those heavy bags of dolls and cars and puzzles and Star Wars figures back to the office. As much as I hate frenzied crowds, and won’t be breeding in this lifetime, the toy drive is something nice to do for kids who otherwise wouldn’t get any toys and it makes me feel like less of a selfish cow. I hope those toys made a lot of kids happy this Christmas.

I know I had toys as a child, but since the majority of my childhood memories have been voluntarily obliterated, no toys I ever owned stand out in my mind as favorites. In fact, the only vivid memories I have in that area are hours spent playing with my Barbies. The first Barbie I owned was the old fashioned, brunette-haired, stiff-body Barbie who didn’t bend or talk to do anything. Then I got a Skipper (Barbie’s Little Sister) who I immediately destroyed by cutting all her hair off. Living Barbie was invented about that time, so I had to have one of those. Living Barbie was like the Aryan Race Uber Barbie or something. She had long, platinum-blonde hair and wore a silver metallic swim suit. I remember she had bendable knees and elbows and jointed wrists and ankles. The fucked up thing was, her wrist and ankle joints weren’t seamless bendable joints -- like her knees and elbows -- but ball and socket joints, and where her skin met those joints, it was like she was wearing a skin-suit -- I mean, the skin actually ended at that point on her body -- gross! Living Barbie has hopefully graduated to full-on seamless joints by now. Talking Barbie was the next Barbie I got. She said things like "Let’s go visit PJ!" (PJ was Barbie’s Hippie friend, I had one of her too) and "Help me get ready for the party!" Come to think of it, it would have been cool if she said "Let’s go party!" instead, but this was maybe the late 60’s or early 70’s, I think, and everything was so tame and lame. It almost isn’t worth remembering. I also remember making dresses for my Barbie dolls out of Kleenex.

But my favorite thing as a child, however, was not a toy at all: it was my robe. I was about 5 or 6 and I had a little red and white cotton robe that I carried around with me everywhere as a sort of security blanket. I am told I was a thumb-sucker but I have no recollection of that. What I remember about my security robe, "Robey," is cuddling it up to my face and rubbing it in spots until it was threadbare. I loved that fucking robe. Much to my chagrin, my well-meaning parents must have thought I was becoming too attached to the robe and, one night while I was fast asleep, they threw Robey in the garbage (actually, I can only speculate on Robey’s fate, as I never was able to extract a full confession from anyone). When I awakened the next morning, I searched for Robey everywhere, but it had vanished. When I asked my parents where Robey was, they looked at me like they had no idea what I was talking about. (Memo to self: Bill parents retroactively for years of trauma-induced therapy).

Anyway, this column is about toys.

As a Thank You present to all my readers, I thought it might be fun to collect memories from musicians in answer to the following two questions:

What was Your Favorite Toy as a Kid?

And

What Present Did You Always Want But Never Get?

People interpreted these questions in a variety of ways, and it was fun to collect the responses as they poured in over the course of a couple months. Some folks told me about a favorite Christmas present they received or favorite Birthday gifts or memories of toys they inherited from parents or older siblings. Some stories are really funny and others, like the story of Robey, above, are kind of sad and fucked up. Some answered only one question, but most answered both, and most everyone put some real thought and effort into this. I’m really excited with the results. I did have one piece of criteria: No One Word Answers or responses shorter than one complete sentence. I made one exception however, because of who it came from, because this is just the way this guy is (I know, I interviewed him once).

Token One sentence answer:

"What was you favorite toy as a kid?"

My Pecker.

"What present did you always want but never got?"

A .44 magnum Smith and Wesson.

-- From Josh Silver, Keyboards, Type O Negative

And now, on to our regularly scheduled column.

My favorite toy was Mr. Machine, but that is too obscure for people to know. Mr. Machine was a dorky goddamn robot toy. I did get a tiger drum set when I was five, which could have jump-started my musical career in a different direction, had all the neighborhood kids not beat the shit out of it. I can't remember what I never got. I was pretty spoiled as an only child.

-- Bruce Duff, Bass, The ADZ

My favorite toy was a whirly bird and I always wanted a functional submarine to use in the woods of Lake Cumberland, Kentucky.

-- Joey Osbourne drummer for Acid King, Altamont (w/ Dale from the Melvins) and Men of Porn

I guess my favorite toy was the boy doll that I got when my parents took me to Denmark. I was 6. It was a boy dolly, dressed in denim, freckly faced with a penis and it could pee if you put water in it and squeezed it. I had all the kids on the block come over and witness it and we all got very giddy. The gift I always wanted but never got...I wanted to be sent to boarding school.

-- Debbie Diamond, Vocalist, The Januaries

My fave toy as a kid would have to be this chrome-plated, one foot high plastic piece of nonsense called "Rudy the Robot." Stuffed full of D batteries, it was equipped with red blinking eyes, and swung it's arms like Frankenstein at a hoedown -- an ideal way to chase your baby sister around the house on Christmas morning...

For some reason one year I became obsessed with the need for a remote controlled Helicopter. After lugging around the Sears catalog in a vain effort to be noticed, I received a rather crappy (what I thought at the time) plastic model of said Helicopter (The batteries spun the blades but it didn't fly). "Geeeeeeee, thanks Santa..." Years later, after the model had found its way to the bottom of the toy chest, the batteries promptly leaked all over my '72 Detroit Tiger baseball card collection. Ain't Karma a bitch?

-- AJ Dunning, Guitarist, The Verve Pipe

My favorite toy as a kid was anything with Superman. My Mom once made me a red cape and I would wear that with Superman Underoos over blue tights. Then I would go run around my neighbors lawns until they threatened to sue my parents.

-- Jake Zavracky, Lead vocals/Guitar for Boston glam rockers, Quick Fix.

My favorite toy was a cardboard box the new refrigerator came in. It was a space ship sometimes, other times a cave. As for gifts I never received, I've found that you can pretty much get just about anything you desire if you just ask for it enough. Drugs always make a nice gift.

-- Jack Terricloth, World Inferno

My favorite toy had to have been my Evil Kneivel wind-up motorcycle with a 12" action figure. You'd put the cycle in the wind-up launch thing, crank the handle as fast as you could, and watch as Evil took off down the sidewalk pulling a wheelie the whole way. I'd build launch ramps and make Evil jump things. That toy made me want to jump trash cans on my bike. When it broke, I was so bummed. I tried to Super Glue it together to no avail. I finally got so pissed, I doused it in lighter fluid and burned it in the fire pit in the back yard. Mom was angry. So much for Evil.

I was fortunate to receive a lot of cool presents as a kid. I was lucky to have parents who would sacrifice themselves so that us kids had a great Christmas. If there was one toy that I wanted but never received, it had to be "Stretch Monster." If you know anything about that toy, it was Part 2 of the Stretch series of Action Figures that could stretch for miles when pulled on. I had "Stretch Armstrong" but was not allowed to get its counterpart, because Stretch had allowed his arm to tear off, spewing a gooey chemical substance all over mom's new carpeting. The parents had to have the entire living room re-carpeted. Superman had nothing on Stretch.

-- John Scott, Lead Vocals, Downer

My favorite toy as a kid was The Micronauts. They ruled! Deep down, I believe that was the first band I truly put together.

The toy I never got was a "Remote Control Car." Instead, I got a Seventies car called "Harry." It was "voice" controlled. In the end, all it did was go in circles no matter what sound you made! I cried for days!

-- Waymon Boone, Lead Vocals, Splender

It is hard to say what my favorite toy was, as I had many beloved toys over the years...still do! I remember particularly being into my Corgi toy Space 1999 spaceship (a live action show created by Gerry Anderson of Thunderbirds fame, starring Martin Landau). For that matter, I had a Thunderbirds ship I loved too...and those puppets still crack me up!

I always loved animals and nature and I was constantly wanting exotic pets as a kid. Although I made it from Sea Monkeys (brine shrimp) to Sea Horses and small lizards, I never got the Kinkajou (a supposedly docile monkey-like creature) or Spider Monkey I really wanted! The carnivorous plants, giant millipedes, tarantula, and various family cats just didn't make up for it...maybe this is why I take such pleasure in stories about Elvis and his pet chimp, Scatter. Of course, now I just feel bad for most exotic animals in captivity.

-- Matthew Sweet

The present I always wanted but never got was a mini bike far. Ever since I was a little tike, I wanted a mini bike. For some reason, my parents never let me get one. I think they were worried that I'd crash it and hurt myself. So, when I grew up and moved to LA, the first thing I did was buy a motorcycle, which I immediately crashed, and hurt myself.

-- James Michael, singer/guitarist

Christmas was always a lot of fun for me and my brother. I think that I was a little more into it than my brother was. I always had problems going to sleep that night and I was always the first one to wake up that morning. There are a number of Christmas gifts that I received that stick out in my mind vividly. I remember getting KISS Destroyer and opening it before everyone else was awake and then rewrapping it so that I could open it with my brother. We were given KISS Alive II another Christmas but I didn't go through the rewrap thing. But one gift that I remember being absolutely crazy about was an Evil Kneivel toy. It was a doll of Evil on his motorcycle. You would wind up the bike and he would take off doing wheelies and jump whatever you could put in his way. At the time. the toy was a very popular one. I remember seeing commercials for it on TV along with a million other Evil Kneivel toys. A lot of people would remember his rocket, but that didn't interest me: the motorcycle was it for me. Another toy that stands out, now that I'm thinking about this, was my Six Million Dollar Man Doll. That toy was awesome! I thought it was so cool how you could roll up his skin on his arm to see his bionics. You could click on his back and he would lift an engine that came with him. It was almost as cool as the TV show itself.

The one thing that I always wanted for Christmas but never was given was a drumset. My family didn't have the money for something like that. My mother was also not big on the idea of having her son making noise like that in her house. Now that I've written about this, I'm looking forward to Christmas!

-- Johnny Kelly, Drums, Type O Negative

My favorite toy was a little thumb-size lorry (Dump Truck) that was red and yellow enamel. I was but 3 or 4 years old. Just to look at it gave me absolute unadulterated joy. It's so weird, even to this day I see this toy and feel such ecstasy. The band, Red Lorry Yellow Lorry, must have had the same experience.

What I always wanted but never got was a Tottenham Hotspur football kit (Uniform) and Puma or Adidas shoes. Instead, I got A Wolverhampton Wanders kit and generic shoes. I was crushed and the impact on my sense of self-worth is still miserably shadowing my life. There was also the crushing teenage years of poverty and want. We were a large catholic family in the midst of protestant well-to-doers. The adolescent years were painful, as clothes and disposable incomes were crucial during the sexual revolution. Still, I must confess I've had my share of nooky since and am completely healed!

-- Michael Aston of Gene Loves Jezebel

My favorite toy as a kid probably was the "Electronic Quarterback," a little hand held football game with tiny red blips on the screen that just moved from one side to the other -- kind of like the football equivalent of "Pong." My, how technology has changed! I was a spoiled brat (so I'm told), so I think I pretty much got the stuff I really wanted.

-- Tommy Stewart, Drums, Godsmack

My favorite toy was my Big Wheel. The toys I always wanted but never got were Giant Tinker toys and Giant Lincoln Logs. Nobody I talk to ever remembers those. You could build cool club houses out of them.

-- Mark Carr, Bass & Vocals, Admiral Twin

My favorite toy turned out to not to be a toy at all, or at least not for kids. My parents had a 3 foot hookah that they told my innocent and pre-adolescent brain was a replica of an old fashioned firehose. Sounded good to me. I’d put on a metal Jello mold for a helmet and fill that "firehose" with enough water to put out a small newspaper fire I’d light in my backyard, saving the lives of GI Joe, Princess Leia, and my 50 piece army-guy set. I was the best firefighter on the block! Unfortunately, my parents decided to sell the firehose replica at our garage sale and, boy, was I happy when one of the older neighborhood kids bought the firehose and I knew I’d still be able to save lives by fighting fires. Much to my surprise, I found my friend filling my firehose with grass or weeds or something. I’ve been a pothead ever since.

-- Billy Spunke, lead vox, Blue Meanies

My favorite toy was Pierre (I named him) the pirate marionette. I would spend hours untangling his strings -- I was always a good at untying knots. Pierre was swarthy and looked very much like a sunbaked Frenchman and/or an Arab. Black pirate hat, Gallic nose, eyepatch, nose and earrings, knee-pants, blouson-type shirt, buckle shoes. Oversize head and hands. About a foot tall. He resembled a scale model of a New Romantic —- a member of Bow Wow Wow from the early 80's. Perhaps that’s one reason I got into that genre for a while. He was made of wood too — no plastic. So he had a bit of heft to him.

My Mom —- a single mother going to school -— had a bunch of her friends over one day and I put on a show. I constructed a little theater out of chairs and sheets with a stage and a big Magic Marker-drawn sign. "Presenting The Great Pierre!" —- or something like that. I was really into Aerosmith — I was about 9 or 10 — and Pierre performed "Walk This Way" for the assembled. I prided myself on being able to make his mouth sync up pretty well with Steven Tyler’s rapid-fire delivery. It was a moveable mouth — he was pretty sophisticated. I think he also did Peter Frampton’s "Do You Feel Like We Do?" complete with talk-box solo. If memory serves, it was hilarious and everyone was in stitches. I had made a cassette of the songs — taped in front of the stereo - and of Pierre talking, variety-show style, a la Flip Wilson, Sonny & Cher, etc…this was the heyday of that type of entertainment. I can’t imagine what type of accent I gave him. Probably sounded like a cross between something from Dr. Demento and Fat Albert, with a little goofy 9-year-old Southern kid thrown in. I found an old handmade doll’s chair in my grandmother’s basement — it had belonged to one of my aunts and had been put together in the 40's. It was painted red and Pierre fit in it perfectly. I sat him there and eventually there he remained. A few years ago I came across Pierre and the red chair languishing next to the dehumidifier in my grandmother’s basement. One of these days I will get around to untangling his strings again.

-- Robert Burke Warren, Singer/songwriter/guitarist

My favorite toy, hands down, was Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. Instead of actually beating the crap out of my little brother, I could beat the crap out of his Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot and not get in trouble. I'd just visualize his punk face on the robot and I'd go to town. I can still hear the sound of the robot head rising up to indicate that indeed, my little brother's block got knocked off (or probably mine did more often than not, but I've got the gift of a selective memory).

The present I always wanted but never got was a guitar. Musicians were deemed 'sissy' in Redneck, USA. So, as soon as I was old enough to drive, I drove myself and all of my belongings to Blueneck, USA, bought a guitar and rented a flat and never looked back (except to relish the days of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots).

-- Randal Prater, Singer/Guitarist, Creeping Myrtle

I never got toys for Christmas. Toys were not practical, according to my parents. My favorite gift was a bicycle. It enabled me to get out of the neighborhood, and explore new parts of the city.

The toy I always asked for, and never got was a laser gun. That was understandable. The other toy I always asked for was a "Radio controlled airplane". I never got one...oh well....

-- Burton C. Bell, Vocalist, Fear Factory

When I was 11 years old I got a Yamaha DT100J for Christmas. That's an enduro motorcycle (for all you non-dirt riders). I think that was the one present that had the most impact on me to this day. I still ride dirt bikes. I just tore up the mud on my Yamaha YZ490 yesterday. It was a fuckin’ blast!

-- Adam Duce, Bass, Machine Head

Our favorite toy, which Tegan and I just discussed recently, was our "Barbies." Except that we didn't have Barbies, we had Heart Family. Heart Family was a family of dolls. We hated the parents and we rarely used them, mostly only for Park Ranger or Orphanage Leader, if that was the story of the day. Mostly we played with the little kids, who we gave hair cuts to be cool, like us. Tegan and I always made the kids run away and camp out. These were, like, two year old kids, but in our heads it was totally fine that they lived by themselves amongst our Stepdad's work-out equipment in the basement. Occasionally, the grown ups of Heart Family would make a guest appearance, usually in roles, as I said earlier, like a park ranger or orphanage leader with a police man come to take us back to jail or the orphanage. What the hell was my mother thinking? Why couldn't we have just had regular Barbies? We were eight, eight.

There was this bike at Toys ‘R’ Us, a red one, and Tegan wanted it so bad. My grampa, Dad, Step-Dad, and my Mom all came and looked at it, but Tegan wanted it so bad that she insisted we buy it that day, without looking at any more bikes. Everyone assured Tegan that if she didn't see another bike that she liked, she could come back the next day and get the red bike. The next day we went back to get the bike and it was gone. No more in stock. Tegan still talks about that bike and every time my mother, or anyone, suggests leaving something behind and coming back another day, Tegan says "Red Bike."

-- Tegan & Sara, 20 year old identical twin sisters, armed with acoustic guitars and two incredibly strong voices.

My favorite toy when I was a child was a clock that talked. When my family moved from one house to the next they forgot the toy...But I never forgot about it.

I always wanted an elephant.

-- KaRIN, vocalist, Collide

I guess I was a lucky kid. I always had pretty much all the toys I could handle... more than I deserved, actually. Probably my favorite toy, though, was this sort of shotgun thingy for Matchbox cars. Now, remember, this was long before the days of child safety precautions, so companies were free to create any type of toy -- even ones which would shoot small objects at high rates of speed. In short, it was a good time to be a kid. This plastic shotgun propelled your favorite cars - at what seemed like warp speeds -- from a metal shell. The idea was, I suppose, to shoot the cars at a little plastic ramp and make them jump and do stunts. Yeah, right. To me, this was a sniper weapon. I'm pretty sure I shot the dog with it. I don't think the dog was hurt or anything, but I'm sure that poor pup got wanged in the head or ass more than once. I think the car shotgun lasted just long enough for me to shoot my Dad in the foot once or twice. Then it mysteriously wouldn't work anymore. I haven't seen it in a few years, and there's no way anyone will ever make anything like it again. The funniest thing to me, though, is that I also distinctly remember getting aluminum foil and crayons as a birthday present one year and loving them more than almost any toy I could have gotten that year.

As far as stuff I wanted but never got, I think I wanted a machete. I can't imagine why I wanted one, but I remember being pissed that my folks wouldn't get me one. In light of the way I misused the car shotgun, I guess it was probably for the best that I never got that machete. I also suppose a machete isn't really a toy, anyway.

-- Erik Caplan, Guitarist for Philadelphia’s Cottonmouth dn

As a child, I didn't really have many toys. At one point I did play with Barbie dolls a lot. But I think as a very small child I enjoyed having my blanket the best. Never went anywhere without it.

I always wanted a horse. I just loved Palomino's. I used to dream about them and had some of the most awesome posters on my bedroom wall. I never did get one so instead I took riding lessons. I still love horses to this day but you can't really have one in NYC.

-- Sharon Middendorf, Motorbaby

My Favorite toy has got to be my Aurora Model Motoring HO gauge road racing set. Dangerously, every so often I'll have a childhood flashback on an L.A. freeway, then it's me on that racetrack all over again! I always wanted my own BB gun. I guess my folks knew that...

-- Patrick "Pooch" Dipuccio, Guitars and vocals for LA based Americanarockers, The Condors, and co-founder of Flipside magazine.

My favorite toy was a stuffed tiger which I was given as a baby and totally tortured. I was an only child so I used to make up all kinds of weird games to keep myself entertained. When I was four, one game entailed poking poor Tiger with pins which left little holes in his forehead. Most of my play was much more affectionate though. I used to sleep with Tiger and bring him everywhere. Eventually, I cuddled him so much that his head was left dangling from his body by a bunch of threads. I then resorted to carrying him around inside a pillowcase to keep him in one piece. I guess I basically loved him to death. Any man who's ever been involved with me probably feels he's had a similar experience.

The one present I always wanted, but never got, was a dog. I used to beg my parents for a dog constantly, but they always had an excuse. Judging from what happened to Tiger, maybe I'm better off with animals of the stuffed variety. I'm allergic anyway.

-- Jana Peri, Lead vocals and guitar, The Jana Peri Band

My best friend as a kid was my 45 RPM record player, the kind you never see any more. That thing played the Turtles' "Happy Together" (complete with crayon marks) and "Peter and the Wolf" and "High Hopes" and "King of the Road" and I'm sure a Monkees hit or two, endlessly. And, unlike my sisters, it never complained once.

-- Mary Lorson of Saint Low and Madder Rose

My favorite toy was Rock 'Em Sock ‘Em Robots; not the stupid terminator reissue but the original with the very 50's-looking robots. They made the coolest noise when you punched the head. (My brother and I had originally found the Rock 'Em Sock ‘Em Robots in the attic of the house we grew up in...a remnant from one of our relatives toy collections).

For some unknown reason, I always wanted a Green Machine, which was made by the company that made the Big Wheel, but it had these two handles that controlled steering as opposed to the more traditional handle bar type steering.

-- Matt Fuller, Guitarist for LA’s glam rockers, City Girls’ Boys

When I was a real little kid, my folks got me this Fisher-Price school bus that came with this little wooden family. Needless to say, I trashed the bus. After that, I wouldn't go anywhere without stuffing every member of my new wooden family in my pocket! If we got in the car and went somewhere, they'd have to turn around and go back if I forgot one. "My family!" The implications are chilling if not obvious. The freakin’ things eventually turned into pieces of colorless, chipped nubs before they became chew toys for my dog. I can't wait to pass them on to my kids one day.

-- Rob Loopy, Guitarist, Hansel Und Gretyl

Unquestionably, my fave toy was my penis. For an occasional diversion, however, I enjoyed Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. What present did I always want but never got? I prayed for Marcia from The Brady Bunch, wrapped in a bow.

-- Sean Altman, composer of the "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" theme song and local NYC Rock God

My favorite toy as a kid was my plastic KISS electric guitar. It had plastic strings too, so you couldn't really play it but it had a big picture of Kiss on it so it looked really cool. The only problem was that my brother and I couldn't wait for Christmas morning, so we snuck out and opened all the presents ever so slightly so we could see what was inside, under the wrapping. Then we placed the torn side face down under the tree so our parents wouldn't see all the rips and tears. Needless to say we got totally busted and had many presents taken away from us....but I held onto the Kiss guitar!!

I ALWAYS wanted one of those cool Spiderman webshooters. They strapped onto your wrist and you could actually shoot this silly string kinda stuff that to me, as a kid, seemed about as close to shooting actual webs as possible. To this day, I still want one of those!

-- Frank Meyer, Vocalist, Street Walkin’ Cheetahs

My favorite toy as a kid was probably a big sack of toy army men. You could always amuse yourself for a couple hours with those. I think I finally ended up destroying them with firecrackers or melting them down into a big plastic puddle. I was fairly destructive as a kid. This would be before I discovered girls.

I always wanted a surfboard! I grew up in Hawaii and I did have a ratty, dinged-up old board that I had scammed some place or other. But I always wanted a nice, new, shiny twinfin miniboard with some stylin' graphics. I was a pretty crappy surfer, but I figured a better board would make me better on the waves. Too expensive though.

-- Jeff Dahl, Triple X solo artist and ex-lead singer of the Angry Samoans

I had lots of favorite toys as a kid: Micronauts, SST racers, TCR racing set, vibrating football game, Legos, my Millennium Falcon, my die cast U.S.S enterprise and my Six Million Dollar Man.

I always wanted but never had an Atari 2600, so I would go to the mall and hang out for hours playing the demo model that they had in Sears.

-- Ahrue Luster, Guitarist, Machine Head

My favorite toys growing up were probably any kind of transformer toy, like the Autobots or Decepticons. It was like having two toys in one. There were too many things that I wanted growing up that I never got, not because of my mom saying no, but probably because I was a greedy kid. I was kind of an asshole when it came to toys. Hopefully I grew out of that....maybe?

-- Matt Wong, Bass, Reel Big Fish

Being an only child, I got a lot of toys! Don't let these modest only children tell you otherwise....we ARE spoiled! So, knowing that I had a rather large collection to choose from, my favorite toy by far was the James Bond 007 Silver Sports car, made by Coby, taken from the movie Goldfinger. It came with the gun shield you triggered by pressing the exhaust pipe, changeable license plates, head light machine gun cannons, and the infamous ejector seat (complete with TWO ejectees, 'cause they knew you were gonna lose at least one)! I think my James Bond car even included an official spy contract, that made me an international expert on espionage or something like that.

I never got a Big Wheel tricycle toy, whose equivalent these days is probably the SUV. You know, pretty much the most dangerous vehicle on the sidewalk to everyone else except the guy behind the wheel, the Big Wheel that is. Yeah, intimidating and menacing all right, until ya took a sharp turn, then it was off to tumbling class ya go (hey, sounds like the SUV again....hmmmm). This was in the days before bicycle (or tricycle) safety was on the top of our elected officials agendas. In those days, if you wore a helmet when you rode a bike, you probably took the short bus to school. So yes, I owe it to my over protective Mom, who never got me a Big Wheel, for me being the cerebral smart-ass that I am today.

-- Ryan Roxie, Guitarist for Alice Cooper, Glamnation and Dad's Porno Mag

Just like the song, all I really wanted for Christmas were my two front teeth. Unfortunately, by Christmas they hadn't arrived. I'm still waiting. It's been a long time. I recently accepted they were never coming - I've bought a bridge. It's rough.

-- Theo G., Guitars/Vocals, Gob

I really wanted a Kawasaki motorcross bike. My mom said "No way." I begged, pleaded, took pictures out of magazines and taped them to the refrigerator to remind her and still nothing. I never got that bike.

-- Jon Bunch, Sense Field

One of my all-time favorite toys has to be the Mattel Vertibird. It was a fire rescue chopper that flew around the room on a cable. The one present I never got was a pony. I always used to hear about how my great-grandpa used to ride a big red & white pinto, so I wanted a kid sized version. I think my mom is working on it now though.

-- Alvin Youngblood Hart, Blues Guitarist

My favorite toy (well one of them at least) was an erector set that my dad got when he was a kid in the 40's. You could build all kinds of shit while you watched Bugs Bunny.

When I was a kid, I wanted to get a Green Machine, but I never got one. If you don't know what that is, it's kinda like a high tech Big Wheel that you would steer with two handles. Definitely a lot faster than a regular Big Wheel and lower to the ground, so you could skid around the corners faster than the other kids. When I was 16, I bought a Honda CB350 motorcycle and that made up for it. Unfortunately, you can't skid around corners quite like you

can in a Green Machine and now my knees hurt when it rains from crashing so much.

-- Dave Lund, Bass, Blue Meanies

When I was 5 or 6, my favorite toy was a police car that would talk when you pushed the siren light on the roof. It was given to me by my kindergarten girlfriend. My family had to hide it from me because all I would do is press the button and drive them crazy with its constant, "Give yourself up! You are surrounded by policemen!"

Actually the only gift I seem to remember that I had always wanted was a Bugs Bunny doll. I asked for it in 2nd grade, and then again the following years. I didn't get it until I was 25.

-- Eric Alexandrakis, singer/songwriter

I got this machine called the Creepy Crawler, which was my favorite toy. It made all these weird bugs and spiders. I used to sit and play with it for days. When I ran out of the goo to make more, I just melted anything I could in it with real bugs. I got in a lot of trouble feeding them to the kids that lived around me.

I wanted Santa to bring my pet squirrel, "Elvis," back from the dead, but that never happened. I was bummed out for a long time wishing for his big Come Back!

-- Evil Presley, Vocals, The Independents

My favorite toy as a kid was Lincoln logs. I used to get sent to my room a lot for doing bad things and I had a set of logs there. They were a great way to forget that I was supposed to be being punished!

I always wanted a stable family life... I still haven't received that yet...

-- Paxton, singer/songwriter/guitarist

My favorite toy as a kid was Stretch Armstrong. He was my ideal guy. Even though he looked tough, he was all soft inside. You could pull him and twist him into any shape you liked. Total manipulation, total power. That's my kind of love. The present that I always wanted but never got - hmmm. I pretty much got everything, I was a very spoiled kid, but I always wanted a doll of myself. I knew a lady who lived locally who made special made-to-order dolls. I never could quite convince my mother or my friends to order a Susan Hyatt doll. To this day, the need to own one is strong. Anyone who was anyone was a Barbie Doll - Wonder Woman, The Bionic Woman, KISS. It is a dream that has yet to be fulfilled.

-- Susan Hyatt, singer/guitarist/songwriter for London-based band, Pillbox

I had a toy called "Say It, Play It." It was basically a little cassette recorder. I used to record EVERYTHING.... including my parents' private conversations. One time I forgot that I left it in record, and I got in a fight with our babysitter. My parents came home and the evidence was right there on tape, so I was found guilty, with no defense. I think that I was grounded for a week for that one.

I always wanted a BB gun but my parents didn't allow me to have a gun as a kid. A good idea, especially since I cut myself the first time they ever gave me a pocket knife. That one got me six stitches.

-- Bill Leverty, Guitar, Firehouse

My favorite toys were my army men, tanks, jeeps, planes, etc. I would have never ending re-creations of the Battle of Navarone, and the liberation of France.

-- Jeffrey Hirschberg, Lead singer of Speedealer

I remember my brother and I got "Fred & Barney" (Flintstones) Dolls for Christmas! Those were so cool. We still have many family pictures of us playing with those things. We also got The Beatles’ dolls!

I always wanted a pet monkey. My brothers and I would bug our parents all the time for one. Of course, the closest we ever got was a stuffed toy.

-- Eric Singer, Drummer God (Kiss, Black Sabbath, Alice Cooper)

*******

Ok that wraps up another year of The Worley Gig, I hope everyone had fun reading this -- I know it was pretty long but it was worth it right?

Thanks to all the great musicians who shared their memories with us and special thanks to Jamie and Maria from Roadrunnner, Mike Cubillos from Earshot Media and Ilka Pardinas from Fly PR for helping me get so many fun responses from all their great artists.

The Worley Gig: "Knives, Needles, Bullets, Blood, Rope, Razors, Heavy Metal and God."

Congratulations to Andy Hamlin of Seattle WA, who won some CDs when he correctly identified lyrics from Fleetwood Mac’s "Dreams" from the Alice Cooper column. Send guesses for this month lyrics to Rezpect@aol.com

Coming Soon in 2001: Y2K Rocks! All of Gail’s favorite records, lots of Rock Star quotes and stuff like that.